Author: Khushi Verma

In very few blogs that I have written I have understood how important it is to express how you feel and that too in the right time and place. It is equally important to learn from your experiences and cherish them wholeheartedly, even if the feeling of that experience was good or bad and even if you want to continue feeling it or not.

The 3-4 blogs that I have written, have made me happy and proud as I got the most supportive responses from people and friends. It made me confident enough to write this blog.

You see the last couple of months have been tough. I am having novel experiences of life that I didn’t even know would ever come to me. I experienced fear, stress, loneliness, insecurity and much more all at the same time which is kind of overwhelming for me. But the coping mechanism that I used to free myself form all this was something very different from blogging, which I earlier thought would help me in times like these when I started to blog.

I did everything besides writing a blog.

When I started this, I thought I would grow into this hobby of writing but after months of procrastination I am finding that this is not for me.

I am seeing my friends truly giving their 101% to their hobbies and desires, and they enjoy doing that, I on the other hand would write a blog only to suppress the feeling of “Oh shit 2 weeks have passed since the last one came out”.

I honestly did not started doing this to find another reason to question myself.

Therefore like a “professional” I wrote this blog, to say goodbye to blogs. I truly want to find something for myself that pushes me to do something and blogging just wasn’t the one. Even if I won’t do this anymore, through blogging I learnt a lot of things. From reflecting on my past to accepting who I am without any modifications and what all can I do and what all I cannot do ( which is kind of a big deal for me). And I am grateful for that.

Cheers to the uncertainty.

I thank you for your support!!!!!!

If you do not know me from grade 10 this might come as a surprise. You see I was never the type of girl who would seize the opportunity, speak up her mind and tell people what she (actually) feel about others. I think I was a one of the silent kids but ya my pride and my height was always higher than normal and if anyone would cross the line I just could not tolerate it. In a way I was a tomboy (at least I thought I was) who could not act all “tomboyish” all the time. I never used to fight for what I wanted and how I wanted people to treat me back in 10 grade and I think that was the reason that allowed many of my counterparts to make fun of me, my height and everything else. That’s also the reason that back in my head I was always regretting that I’m the tallest in the class, hell tallest in the whole batch I would say. I was never a perfect 10 grade girly girl as I had little sense of fashion and more guy friends than girl friends.

I think I started truly speaking up my mind when my environment changed in 11 grade with new and strange people in new school. I started talking to these first not so friendly but bold people whom I think had a great influence on me. By mid session I saw myself engaged in novel tasks and better relationships than I ever had till grade 10. My seniors, juniors and all other people taught me to stand up for myself and what I desire and how I wanted that desire to become real.

Everything was not so great, there were times when I scared going to school because i get awkward when I don’t know people and how they might turn out to be in reality, I also struggle in striking up a conversation unless I know that the other person is equally interested in talking to me also I had no (real) friend but eventually I found myself this beautiful lovely woman who tolerated me and all the not so Bollywood dramas of my life.

Also, it was in grade 11 and 12 that I started feeling comfortable in my self even though being an aberration. Most importantly, I started telling people how I felt with holding an attitude of “Kuch to log kahenge loggo ka kaam he kehna”, ok I cared a little I am admitting but what do you expect I’m also a human.

My last two years of school also taught me how to face rejection while still holding my calm in place.

I owe a lot to the people I met in these last two years because they taught me to somewhat let go but still hold on, praise myself and express myself in a way that I could never imagine.

Thus I can say that I came a “tall” way.

PS – I just want to tell you all that I’m going to super irregular in blogging, at least till I get myself into college. I started doing this for myself and for my happiness and desire but not to get stressed over another deadline. Moreover I don’t want to act cursory on this.

In case you haven’t noticed I tried to write something new every week and this week I don’t know why but I did not find an interesting enough topic to write about and hence the delay. I knew I would experience writer’s block one day but oh I did not expect it to be this soon. It was not that I didn’t try at all. I started writing about how I chose law and the small but eye opening experience that I had of how it needs to change a little as the society is unfurling a new day, culture, trend, habit and way of life every now and then. But in the midst of it I completely lost the ability to think of more ideas or contemporary circumstances and finally rejected the idea of writing about law too. Since then I am struggling to write on a topic after which I would feel satisfied. I’ve come to realise how much dedication and effort it takes to write without going into the “I don’t want to write anymore” phase. When I first started blogging I thought that it is an easy enough thing and that I would be able to do it every week with the same zeal and enthusiasm but like we already know by now things never go the way as planed, here I am, writing about my current situation and my inability to come out of it. So please bear with me and my intermittent personality for I will come out of this writer’s block phase very soon!!

Being a Capricorn I’m always trying to do everything, even the things that are not very important and relevant to the time and space that I’m living in. Example, this might sound a little exaggerated but I have drawn a time table for myself with only half a day of break only to study for my entrance exams. I give myself 100 tasks to complete in a day and when procrastination hits me to the core and the next day arrives there goes a full round of self doubt, overthinking, my inability to complete all 100 tasks that are humanly not possible resulting in assigning 200 tasks for the next day, inability to complete them all and the circle never ends. I think I assign myself all these tasks because of a Capricorn tendency to always have the top place in every field . I remember doing my sociology test simultaneously with my online class along with writing notes and eating lunch just so because I didn’t want to piss off my teacher who will have nothing to do with me in what like 2 months( impossible but I did complete them all). I won’t even have the time to write this had I not squeezed my schedule.

Writing this has made me realise how much I want to stop and experience things that just pass by me while I am completing an assignment, doing chores, studying, maintaining social relationships with people just to please everyone in my life and expecting for people to reciprocate all that I do and think of doing for them (I need a whole other blog to write what happens when people don’t reciprocate). It has occurred to me how much I want to take a break from all the worldly things and for sometime become a “saint”. Jokes aside I know I cannot change what is in my nature but here are some things that I did and you can also do these for yourself if you want to stop for sometime :

1. Music- Listen music that you can relate to or you like. It does have to be a specific genre just go where your mind takes you( personal favourite).

2. Hobbies- I’m sure everyone has hobbies they cherish but cannot do it. So give yourself some time and dance, paint,sing,garden……

3. Spend some time alone and procrastinate all you want. Let the deadlines crash and let bygones be bygones.

4. Watch Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, 3 idiots, Jaane Tu……Ya Janne Na.

5. Try to acknowledge your strengths rather than question them. You don’t have to act complacent.

6. Never let anybody (yourself) tell you that you don’t deserve what you want or you cannot get what you want.

Remember that time never comes back and you may not have another life to complete or do what you most want. Carefully count your tick-toks’ and never let them go.

“We don’t remember days, we remember moments” – Theodore finch.

I like company of my relatives a bit more than that of my friends (sorry). I know it sounds crazy because we live in a world where relatives are characterised as having a typical gossip monger type of personality, cursing your every move and always being a little too nosey. But I think they are the ones who are your “First Best Friends”(mainly cousins). They tell you your childhood habits ( I used to play GTA Vice City) and the peculiar experiences they had with your parents. I personally love hearing those. For instance, my Bua (paternal aunt) told me a story wherein while returning from a temple at night she heard a sound of an anklet coming from her bag. I think she said she was crossing Paonta Sahib road. She was scared but yeah, like in every other movie the sound stopped after a while. I know it sounds a little off the track but the way she narrates the whole “horror story” is very amusing to me. While I appreciate the company of my friends, I think there goes a lot of steps for a friend company that are significantly absent in a relative company. First you have to socialise, then you have to find a suitable mutually acceptable topic to talk about and finally play a pick and choose game and voila! you know you will not sit alone the next day of school, which to me is very consuming and time taking effort. I know that having friends is important for overall development but your relatives are the ones who actually watch you grow and always come back after a fight while friends sometimes don’t. Your relatives are your buddies despite being a little crack.

I never thought of myself as a writer/blogger or a girl who could complete a novel without getting bored. But sitting at home and crying my way through zoom calls, I started thinking about writing on what is happening around the world and how I feel about it. And here I am trying to write a blog when the world around is kind of having an upside down moment of its own too. Wishing myself luck and mental capacity to see the night . Stay Tuned!

Thanks for joining me!

Live for the moments

Hello to all the beautiful people in this world. Wishing each and everyone of you a very happy and prospering life.

Live with courage and die without pain.